This is the first Christmas that my father is not completely with us and the first month really that I am embracing the fact that he is on his own path and that I have my own. Next Christmas, my Ph.D will be submitted and who knows if he will still be with us. This piece functions as a cathartic relief as I go through what happens this year whilst being in my 3rd year of Ph.D. I hope it will Help anyone going through pre-bereavement. It gets better eventually. Last Christmas, my father is at home, he is not well, yet still vivacious and talkative. His full diagnostic is unknown. He has a depression, some hallucinations at times and can be aggressive if too tired. I spend most of the time with him. We walk in green fields, talk about the wonder of the world, laughs about silly things and discuss life and death. I even take notes of what his funeral could be like. January comes, I am back in the UK. Two days after I left, he is at the hospital, I crash. My mum asks me to focus