Skip to main content

The mask over my vulnerability

Jessica Blain Photography click here
The past five months have been absolutely erratic.
I started a new job. Simultaneously, I started to organise a festival with my activist friends
I had a clear vision of what I wanted to do with my job. Unfortunately, I shot myself in the legs.
My supervisors and I fell into the trap of mistrust, conflict and all the rest of it.
I became uncontrollable. The more they were trying to send me in one direction, the more I wanted to go into the opposite. I did not control my reactions. I wanted to get control back. The more I was trying to, the more I was alienating our relationships. I felt that I could not share the way I feel because I thought they were intolerant towards my vulnerabilities. I shut down my feelings, joy, anger, fear, happiness, love in their presence. It appeared to be the easy option but it revealed itself to be the harshest. What could I possibly know? My main escape was to join the extremism of activism by working only on the festival. the only space where I felt I belong. But I could not work as productively because my mind and my heart were hurt. 
How could I possibly connect with people with a different life experience than mine when I felt so uncomfortable with being my true self in front of them? 
They gave up. Finally, they stop trying to control me. I have my space again. Very easily the truth appears in front of my eyes. Now I know what to do, where to go for the sun to shine again above me. I am hoping we will reconnect if I have to courage to take away the mask that covers my scars.



Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Little by Little, the bird learn to fly - Purge Update

The message of the Week Petit a Petit, L'Oiseau apprend a voler Little by Little, the bird learn to fly What went well this week? I sold 9 items. I relisted 124 items which are for grab NOW I reorganised my inventory at home so everything I am currently selling is in a wardrobe, ready to grab. I also brought together the items I am planning to photograph and sell next month. I tried to put a card in all my parcels. What are you thinking to improve? I am thinking to improve the message on the card At the moment, it is just ''Thank you for your order it is greatly appreciated''  Now I am thinking to write, ''Thank you for your order this week, it caused me to realise how much I love selling on eBay, packing the item and sending it knowing that someone somewhere is going to make use of it. As a result, I am going to post even more items in my shop. Keep on watching my evolution! Thanks again.'' For the drawing, I make little ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Fashionably Compassionate Romantic - Fight against the elements and fracking

2pm - Leicester City Centre - Highcross - Saturday - It is a bit windy - I am wearing a hat, a coat, a scarve, a jean and some proper shoes. I am going to spend the next three hours outside, I better be warm. I am fighting against the elements and for a frack free world. I am with Friends of the Earth in front of Barclays with a stand. Our banner says 'Frack Free Leicestershire Network. Our main purpose is to raise awareness on fracking, Barclays investment in a company planning to frack beautiful Ryedale in North Yorkshire and the other plan possibly being drawn for Leicestershire. I have a clip board in my hand to get passers to sign a petition to halt fracking in the UK. I am in good spirit. They will understand. I notice that my dress code is at odd with saturday afternoon shopping spree. Most people wear a t-shirt, light jumper, jean or skirts, lipsticks and eyeshadows. The dress code has a purpose, they will be in and out of shops. They do not need to stand outside for lo...
Post a Comment
Read more

When you do not pursue a career in academia after your Ph.D and do a job unrelated to your field of study

It is absolutely OK.  Many people do not pursue a career in academia after their Ph.D and even do a job unrelated to their field of study. I am amongst those people I completed my doctorate in the field of Design for Sustainable Behaviour and I looked at the factors influencing people to repair small electrical items. I took the opportunity during my doctorate to organise repair events, and a festival to engage people with this concept of repair. Then, in my discussion, there were some elements about the impacts of poor design decisions on women's wellbeing and sense of worth. I thought that if I had to focused on violence towards women, I would like to focus on the worst. When I submitted my thesis, I looked for a position in gender-based violence field. I wanted it to be part-time so I could pursue my other passions such as writing, arts, travelling, gardening, appreciating the idle time while looking after my family. I also wanted to work closed from home. Quetzal, a charity bas...
Post a Comment
Read more