Skip to main content

The mask over my vulnerability

Jessica Blain Photography click here
The past five months have been absolutely erratic.
I started a new job. Simultaneously, I started to organise a festival with my activist friends
I had a clear vision of what I wanted to do with my job. Unfortunately, I shot myself in the legs.
My supervisors and I fell into the trap of mistrust, conflict and all the rest of it.
I became uncontrollable. The more they were trying to send me in one direction, the more I wanted to go into the opposite. I did not control my reactions. I wanted to get control back. The more I was trying to, the more I was alienating our relationships. I felt that I could not share the way I feel because I thought they were intolerant towards my vulnerabilities. I shut down my feelings, joy, anger, fear, happiness, love in their presence. It appeared to be the easy option but it revealed itself to be the harshest. What could I possibly know? My main escape was to join the extremism of activism by working only on the festival. the only space where I felt I belong. But I could not work as productively because my mind and my heart were hurt. 
How could I possibly connect with people with a different life experience than mine when I felt so uncomfortable with being my true self in front of them? 
They gave up. Finally, they stop trying to control me. I have my space again. Very easily the truth appears in front of my eyes. Now I know what to do, where to go for the sun to shine again above me. I am hoping we will reconnect if I have to courage to take away the mask that covers my scars.



Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What is your job you do?

What is your job you do? Where do your work? are probably the hardest questions to answer to in a short sentence. It is great when you have a title, it gives a splash of your awesomeness in the face of your interlocutor. I am 'Consultant Associate'. I am 'Customer InSight Officer'. I am 'Data analyst Manager'... ( in your face) . Where do I work? I am a flexi-travelling worker. I mainly work from home. BUT, I also work in various places in the Midlands (Leicester, Northampton), also London, I jet set to Paris and Amsterdam sometimes... ( splash in your face) ... Those two questions are set to gauge both interlocutors' status. It is quite sad, the longer the title and list of places you go to, the more you appear awesome. Truth to be told, I love working from home and have a family to come back to after a long day making decisions. In my own perspective, the question should be reframed to 'What are you passionate about?'  At least, you will connect mo...
1 comment
Read more

Are we good friend?

A friend came to visit. She brought flowers and a card. Inside the card, she wrote that I was an amazing friend. To her, at least. It is normal to question yourself on the quality of your friendship and whether or not  you are a good friend to other people, are you doing enough to engage, support, celebrate others when they go through major transition? How much more can you do while racing through life, its responsibilities and distractions? A good tool to use for reflection is the theory of attachment to understand yourself and how your type of attachement impact on the quality of relationships. Have a look and let me know what you think?
Post a Comment
Read more